Due to the 2008 salmonella outbreak and related fear mongering by the anti-veggie conspiracy and backseat-driving do-gooders, the Annual Sliced Tomato Rodeo is being posted a little late this year.
The Officials have an announcement: “It is now safe to eat a tomato.”
Well if the Officials say it’s safe then we’ll let our sheep and lemming traits kick in and do as we’re instructed.
Let’s eat a tomato! Or two! Wow, we’re crazy…
Life threateningly crazy, it seems.
Prompted by the warnings that “toms equal death by salmonella food poisoning,” we formed a tomato-eating underground. We’re rebels. Been eating vine ripe tomatoes since May.
Like so many other limitations that just don’t constrain us, the tomato ban didn’t apply to us because we planted ‘em, prayed over ‘em, picked ‘em, and then sliced-mayo’d-salted ‘em, then paused to state our gratefulness for our bounty.
Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
This documentary photo was taken before Memorial Day ‘08
but is just now able to be released to the public.
Our official policy was that underground tomato eaters didn’t want to appear gauche by flaunting our access to so many things that are so delicious (and healthy).
The real motivation to take our subversive sandwiches underground was that we feared a jealous backlash from tomato fans that are without access to bacteria-free fields, which might lead to class warfare, resulting in a midnight raid on our pristine tomato fields. And you know the tomato-eating underground would be on guard with tomato knives and shakers of salt. We wanted a peaceful coexistence but were prepared to go militant on any poaching gourmands. Slice! Then salt the wounds! We meant it.
Now that Officials have freed the tomato-eating underground, we will show good faith by sharing our secret ingredients. We like sugarless tea – sweetened only with a dash of fruit juice (we prefer apple or OJ), and sourdough bread (the white bread un-Wonderbread of the 21st century).
Dive face first into the blessings of the season. Other boatloads of seasonal blessings include: shrimp by the net-full, figs and pears by the bucket-full, watermelons by the arm-full, saltwater soaks by the ocean-full, sun by the sky-full … and, and,
“Her cups runneth over” by the bikini-full!
Praise Jah for all tomatoes!
Ours, yours, and especially – HERS !
Dive face first into the blessings of the season.

Click here for a review of the Official 2007 Annual Sliced Tomato Rodeo

Is it me or is this post chock-full of hyphens and dashes?
Chock-full. See? There it goes – again.